


I Never Meant to Cause You No Pain

by FaerieBerii



Series: All the Pain Was Worth It [3]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Emotional Hurt, F/M, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, Miscommunication, POV Dean Winchester, Texting, breaking up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-18
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:01:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24795841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaerieBerii/pseuds/FaerieBerii
Summary: Dean knows he screwed up when he left Cas with that damn note, but now he can't seem to stop screwing up. All he wants is Cas in his life, but how do you get the one thing you want, when it keeps running away from you.Will make more sense if read with It's Easier to Run.Takes place between the end of Chapter 13 and the beginning of Chapter 15.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Lisa Braeden/Dean Winchester
Series: All the Pain Was Worth It [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/155537
Comments: 2
Kudos: 12





	I Never Meant to Cause You No Pain

**Author's Note:**

> So stuck at home with hay fever (my body takes these things seriously), and work says fever = no work 🤷 Well then I say I'll just torture fictional characters. Okay, not really. I love my sweet baby boys, it's just that Phil Collins brings out the worst in me. It can't be helped.
> 
> Um... there's some alcohol as a coping mechanism in here. 'Cos it's Dean-o. Other than that it's all ~~light and fluffy~~ so enjoy!
> 
> Fae Bee 🧚🏻🌈

It had been 46 days, 2 hours, 52 minutes, and 38 seconds since he’d last seen Cas. Give or take all those numbers because who’s counting.

He knew he’d screwed up the first time when he’d slipped that note under the door. First of all, who even does that? Dean Winchester, that’s who. Google coward and there’s Dean Winchester – first result.

His second screw up was taking Lisa on that damn date.

He’d turned his phone off per Lisa’s ‘no phone’ rule on nights like this. When he complained, his reasoning being that something might happen to Ben, she stated that she trusted their babysitter. End of story.

The date was like any other date: movie of her choice, dinner at the same stuffy restaurant she loved, and then a walk (complete with holding hands.) He just went through the motions; it was easier than arguing about doing something that he’d like to do for once. Happy wife, happy life, and all that bullshit.

When they’d finally gotten home, his only thought was getting inside and turning his phone on. Lisa, however, wasn’t in any hurry. She was acting weird and caught him off guard, stealing a kiss under the porch light. A kiss he felt obligated to return so she wouldn’t start asking questions.

At the sound of squealing tires, he looked up, recognizing the truck speeding off. The streetlights caught the tiny details he’d made when restoring the black and white Silverado. One of the very few Silverado’s in town, to be honest.

 _Fucking a…_ he thought. Dean ignored Lisa’s voice, too busy waiting for his phone to load. _Slow piece of shit!_

The pinging sound of each message being received was making his phone sound like a pinball machine. All it needed was flashing lights and someone screaming random phrases at him. After what felt like an hour (okay it was a minute) the alerts of missed calls and texts finally ended. All from Cas.

Rubbing his hands over his face, he grabbed a beer and headed outside to the backyard. Time for damage control.

**Missed call from Coffee Bean (7:01)**

**Coffee Bean** (7:02) We need to talk

 **Coffee Bean** (7:02) I mean it Dean

**Missed call from Coffee Bean (7:03)**

**Coffee Bean** (7:05) Listen, I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked, but this is important!

**Missed call from Coffee Bean (7:15)**

**Missed call from Coffee Bean (7:43)**

**Missed call from Coffee Bean (8:26)**

**Coffee Bean** (8:47) Dean, please talk to me! If you’re mad at me, just answer and yell me, I can take it. I can’t take this though.

 **Coffee Bean** (8:50) This isn’t like you. Are you okay?

 **Coffee Bean** (9:23) I’m coming over.

**Missed call from Coffee Bean (9:37)**

**Coffee Bean** (9:38) Where are you? Seriously I’m worried!

**Missed call from Coffee Bean (9:48)**

Dean wasn’t sure if he should be annoyed by the clinginess of everything he just read, concerned, or actually call Cas out of curiosity. Not sure what to expect, he hits the call button.

It goes straight to voice mail.

He leaves a couple of voice mails, pouring his heart out, apologizing. He doesn’t text because he sucks at it and feels the words wouldn’t come outright. Later on he thinks that maybe he should have.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

The next day the weather matches his mood. Gray, rainy, miserable. He feels hungover. Then remembers that he drank himself to the point of passing out. At least now his whole body is all matchy-matchy. He snorts and stumbles to the bathroom, pukes, and gets ready for the day.

He almost topples over when the sound of an alert comes from his phone. His first thought is _Cas_ and so is his second and third. Which is what has him staggering across the room to the phone, way too eagerly. The message has him having mixed feelings, or maybe it was all that jostling he just did.

**Coffee Bean** (11:36) We need to talk

Dean blinked at his phone and sat down on the bed, staring at the blinking cursor, as it waited impatiently for him to reply. That’s when he realized it had been nearly ten minutes and he still hadn’t replied.

“Shit!” he cursed himself and typed out a question of why Cas wanted to meet now. He didn’t add on the details of having seen him, because he didn’t want to push the issue right now.

**Coffee Bean** (11:50) Just meet me at Main and 12th – 9pm

Dean locked the screen and dropped the phone on the bed. It was going to be a long day. Especially when he realized he hadn’t finished getting dressed when he nearly tripped down the stairs, his pants falling down to his ankles.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

The rest of the day he was restless. Lisa kicked him out of the house (pfft like he was 5 years old), so he went to the garage to burn off all the nervous energy that was building up. Which might not have been a good idea. Because accidentally dropping a headlight, then having a lug nut drop down a gas tank (not sure how _that_ even happened) and triggering an airbag had Dean getting the hell out of there.

Getting back home and showered, he still had plenty of time to freak out. He couldn’t tell you what excuse he made to get out of eating dinner, but whatever it was seemed to appease everyone without seeming suspicious. And with having 45 minutes left, Dean decided to make a stop before meeting Cas. Something to maybe put him back in the barista’s good graces.

And it started raining.

Not like, ‘oh I’m a cute like a springtime shower’ raining. Nope. This was a ‘it’s summer bitches, feel my wrath and hear me roar!’ kind of rain. Looking at the passenger seat and the bundle of roses that lay there, Dean frowned in concentration. The rain pitter-pattered a staccato beat on the hood of the Impala, and he kept concentrating. With a heavy sigh, he fell back against the seat, giving up.

Nope, he just didn’t have the ability to make the flowers waterproof _or_ incase themselves in a protective bubble. Dammit. He’d just have to leave them in here and hope that Castiel was smart enough to have brought an umbrella.

Squaring his shoulders and staring out at the storm, he geared himself up to make a dash for the corner that was at the address Cas had given him. He could do this. He. Could. Do. This. Just open the door, close the door, and run like a mad man.

Easy enough.

And it was easy enough. The waiting was the hard part though.

Checking his watch under the streetlight he saw it was 9:03. Okay only three minutes late. Cas wasn’t known for being the most punctual person ever. He looked around, blinking the rain from his eyes. Checking his watch one more time (9:05) he finally saw someone approaching out the corner of his eye.

Any other person (like himself) would have looked like a drowned rat in these conditions, but Castiel… shit. The way his hair became remarkably darker, the highlights reflecting off the streetlight. His eyes became bluer by the darkening of his wet eyelashes, made longer by rain. The soaked through jeans and shirt clung to every muscle and soft spot of his body. Dean wanted to cover him up so that no one would be able to see what was only meant him.

When he reached Dean, though, he stopped an arm's length away. Dean itched close the divide between them and hug the man he hadn’t seen or touched in so long.

But instead, Castiel seemed to focus on something over Dean's shoulder. As the man began to talk, he felt like a blade was jabbed into his chest. There was truth to the words, and that’s what hurt the most…

"This is over,” Castiel started out. “I can't compete with family and love. I understand what I am and I'm okay with that… I’m okay with what I was. But I've been in Lisa's shoes before and I can't believe I even got into this mess.

"So, forget about me. Go back to your family and do what's right." Gasping for air as tears streamed down his cheeks, mixing with the rain, he continued even though his voice was breaking. "Go home. Tuck Ben into bed. Tell him you love him. That you'll always be there. Then make love to your wife. Not rough, not hard, angry fucking, but tender lovemaking. Apologize to her, but not with your words… I know you know what I mean. I'm sure you've done it enough times."

Growing quiet, Castiel turned his back on Dean. And in his heart of hearts, he knew that he wasn’t able to hug Cas right now. Or when he’d be able to ever again. But he just needed to talk to him, one more time. So he reached out to place his hand on Castiel’s shoulder, only to have it shrugged off.

Dean stared at his hand, then at Castiel’s back. "Do I get a say in this? Or is – was – this all about you?" he asked, voice quivering.

Castiel shook his head and started walking away.

So Dean did what Dean always does when things get like this. He fights. He yells. He acts like a petulant child. He wanted some kind of reaction from Castiel besides this godforsaken indifference bullshit.

"So I guess that's your answer to everything huh. If you can't handle the situation, you just walk away and pretend it didn't exist. I guess whatever we had didn't matter then, did it Cas?!" Dean screamed as the rain increased if it were even possible.

Then he smirked when Cas turned around and started screaming at him because he finally got _something_ out of him.

Castiel’s voice rang out "fuck off, Dean! You don't know a damn thing about me, and maybe that's another problem with me and you. I don't want you to know anything about me, and I don't want to know about you. I fucking hate you for making me do these things. You've made me do things that I'd never think about doing.

"But you," he shoved Dean back with as much force he could muster. "You changed me into a person I didn't like. I was better off not knowing you Dean Winchester! So fuck off, and don't bother trying to call me."

When Castiel turned around once again, his fists balled up, ready to make his grand exit, Dean knew he couldn’t let him. And without thinking he let his mouth do the talking, filter 100% off. "Don't think so highly of yourself, asshole. All I needed you for was a good fuck! And you weren't even that!" he screamed over the rain. Probably louder than necessary, but it sure got the point across.

And did the opposite of what he wanted because Cas was running.

“Sonofvabitch.”

Dean got in the Impala, not caring that he was soaked to the bone, and sped off. He threw the roses out at the next stoplight. He hoped they got ran over by a Mack truck.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

It had been 43 days since that night (but who’s counting.) Dean’s liver probably was from all the alcohol consumption he had been doing, but it’s not like anyone else had bothered to notice. It had become a regular Dean state of mind. The alcohol had replaced Castiel in his life, and if it slowly killed him… then to hell with it.

The sun was too bright this morning. The birds were too loud. Everything was too cheerful. He didn’t like it, but there was a drink waiting for him at the garage. After coming close to driving Baby into a ditch, he’d taken to drinking where he was gonna be staying. So he had a hidden stash in his office.

Taking a seat at the table, he thanked Lisa and accepted the plate of bacon and eggs. The cup of coffee sitting there had already started going cold, but he drank it anyway, not really tasting it. He hadn’t been able to taste anything in weeks.

“Castiel quit today. I thought he would have given a two week's notice, but no such luck. He called the cafe, said ‘I quit’, and hung up. He hasn’t said anything to you about it has he?” Lisa asked nonchalantly. He stopped mid-chew, surprised the eggs in his mouth didn’t fall out, and stared at his wife; eyebrows raised in shock.

Returning to his breakfast, he shrugged with a grunt, but the gears were turning. Why would Cas have quit so abruptly? It was so unlike the man he had known; he wouldn’t have let Lisa down like that unless he had finally cracked and couldn’t stand being around the woman any longer.

Yeah, that was probably it. Nodding to himself he finished his eggs and coffee, and headed to work, making sure to kiss Lisa and Ben on the cheek before leaving.

Gotta keep it normal.

Then Benny had to come and corner him. He saw the man’s mouth moving but couldn’t hear the words coming out of his mouth. Because Benny looked like shit. He had bags under his eyes, they were red and bloodshot, and he definitely wasn’t his happy-go-lucky Cajun self.

A fist flew past his head. “Dean would you listen to me and pull your head outta your ass! I’m worried about him, so could you take two seconds to think of someone other than yourself, stop wallowing in self-pity, and help me!” Benny screamed at him, his face inches from his own.

Dean pushed past his over-dramatic friend, with a retort about getting some sleep, only to get slammed back against the wall by his shoulder. OW!

“Cas is going through some shit and Kevin and I can’t continue to babysit him on our own. We promised not to call Anna, so I’m asking you to help, okay? You’re supposed to be his friend, aren’t you? Then be there for him! Maybe he’ll even open up to you…” Benny stepped back, a flash of hurt crossing his face at the last statement.

He closed his eyes and finally admitted self-defeat. He told Benny everything… to an extent. He didn’t want to embarrass Castiel if Benny somehow opened his big damn mouth. “So I don’t think Cas would want to see me right now. It might make things worse, and it might be hard to believe, but that’s the last thing I want for him. I was starting to think that us being apart was a good thing. That we’d just go back to how thing’s used to be and forget it all. That you could be the one that gets Castiel.”

“Dean, none of us want to purposefully hurt Cas, and that’s why we stand by him to keep him from falling deeper than he already has. And yes, I’d love to be the one with him but I’m not the one he wants, I’m not the one he needs. Even though he said I was everything inside of him that he wished he could be, that I say all the right things, at exactly the right time, I mean nothing to him. And I don’t know why.

“So no, Dean, I will not be the one that gets Castiel. But either way, he needs the friend he used to have to be there by his side,” and with that Benny walked away, dropping the conversation. It was up to Dean to follow through now.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

Thinking back to what Benny had said, he decided to bite the bullet and drive over to Castiel’s and check up on him. He wasn’t sure what he was planning on saying or doing when he got there, because he was one hundred percent sure that Cas was still pissed at him. Or hated him. Or both! They kinda went hand-in-hand.

Pulling up the apartment complex he saw Benny’s truck, which was bound to be normal from what his friend had said three weeks ago. Checking his watch before getting ready to open the car door, he saw the door to Castiel’s apartment open.

Benny stepped out holding a bag of trash, but before he could close the door, he saw Castiel’s head peek. Benny stepped further away from the door, but Cas refused to step out of the apartment, so Benny stepped forward, then backward. Like some weird country line dance.

Dean rolled his eyes until the moment Cas reached out and grabbed Benny, dragging him forward for an obvious kiss. He’s surprised there aren’t any indents on the steering wheel of the Impala from where he gripped it so hard.

After Cas let Benny go, he stepped back fully into the apartment and closed the door, leaving Benny to finish his task of taking the trash out.

Dean sped off before Benny could see him. However, the sound of the Impala's motor wasn’t lost on a certain blue-eyed ex-barista.

And neither would acknowledge the event ever happened.

**Author's Note:**

> Work title comes from the song "[I Wish It Would Rain Down](https://youtu.be/YcY3FH208l8)" by Phil Collins


End file.
